Feedback and player conduct

[lovewater]

Firstly, a disclaimer. I (the singular, actual, original mod) didn't like writing this. I wobbled over posting it before the game even opened, and I'd be delighted if I never have to refer to it. But I also want to make my position clear from the get-go.

So, with that being said:

There's a fine line between reasonable but poorly worded feedback, and verbal abuse.

If you're trying to give criticism, and you can even see that line: take a deep breath, delete your message, and try again in a couple of days.

The mod (generic/plural) is open to feedback, and players in this game should at least be prepared to hear feedback when their playing is impacting others' ability to play.  However, we're all adults participating in a thing that should be fun for everyone involved. The mod's tolerance for nonsense is therefore very low.

A few pointers:

• All formal communication with the mod takes place over Dreamwidth and is unscreened. The two exceptions are:
  • Event suggestions;
  • Reporting/discussion of player bullying, harassment, or jerk behaviour.
• Nobody will get more than two warnings that their behaviour isn't okay. If you're being a really huge jerk, it may only be one.
• Harassing other players, for reasons related to this game, is not acceptable regardless of what medium or platform you use to do it.
• Infomodding and godmodding are not allowed. Please Google these terms if you're not sure what they mean.
• If someone is being a jerk, that isn't an invitation or justification to sink to their level. Being a jerk in your own defence, or someone else's, is still being a jerk. Resolving a conflict isn't the same as 'winning' it, or making sure that someone else feels as bad as you do.  
• If you're not understanding a character's behaviour and you don't know if the misunderstanding is OOC or IC, ask.  This isn't metagaming and avoids conflict further along the line.
• If you really can't get along with someone or how they play a certain character, you have the option of not engaging with them, either IC or OOC.  Conversely, other people have the option of not engaging with you or your characters, and they don't owe you an exhaustive justification as to why.

"But I really dislike how this person plays this castmate of mine..."

So let's talk about feedback.

If there's something that really, really winds you up about how someone plays a particular character, ask yourself:

1. Can I identify specific points where the way this character is played contradicts their own canon?
2. Is it impossible for me to avoid interacting with this character?
3. If nothing changes, will I feel like I have no choice but to drop one of my own characters?

If any of those is a 'no', then honestly? You're probably better off saying nothing. You might have different interpretations of the same canon, but that doesn't make either of you 'wrong'. The thing which changes may have to be your own approach to that character.

If the answer to all three of those questions is 'yes', let's move on.

Feedback, on anything, needs three elements:

• Specificity. If you're having to say 'I get the feeling that...', when describing someone else's behaviour, it's not specific. Vibes are subjective.
• A description of the impact that it has on you and your ability to engage in the game.
• Readiness to open a discussion in the interests of change.

If you can't offer all three of these, it's not feedback.

As an example of what not to do:

"I'm sorry, but the way you play Alice feels really out of character. Please do a canon review - I feel like I'm going to have to drop Bob from the game if things keep going like this."

This might look 'polite' at first glance - they said please and sorry! - but it's vague, demanding, and manipulative. It's harassment in the guise of feedback and it would be your first 'hey, you're being a jerk' warning.

If you're receiving comments like this, incidentally, you should not feel any need to respond to the commenter at all. Whether you flag it up with the mod is up to you.

So what would feedback look like?

• Specific: "I've noticed that Alice talks in the game about loving butterflies, but in Episode Six she has a panic attack in a butterfly garden and explains in Episode Ten that an evil lepidopterist killed her family."
• Impact: "I'm not sure how to respond to posts where she talks about butterflies, because Bob believes that she has a phobia of them."
• Discussion: "Can we talk about the disconnect? They're close canonmates and I'd like to be able to play together better."

The response may be anything from 'OH SHIT I completely forgot about Episode Six, thank you for telling me', to 'Alice went to therapy and had a breakthrough ingame, before you apped Bob', to 'Alice is telling people she loves butterflies, but only because she doesn't want people to use that weakness against her - she'd have a very different conversation with Bob'.

Responding to feedback

If you're Alice's player in the scenario above, then you also have a responsibility to accept feedback constructively.

If you have a completely reasonable explanation for Alice's behaviour, then yes, you're allowed to feel annoyed that Bob's player is even asking! How dare they assume that you can't play your own character! Feel that. Then take a deep breath, remind yourself that other people can't read your mind, and respond reasonably. As an anti-example:

"Lmfao she's lying. I wouldn't have missed something as pivotal as Episode Six, you'd know what was going on with her if you ever tagged back, lol."

Again: very passive-aggressive, not helpful, being a jerk. A constructive response would be:

"Alice is being completely dishonest about the butterflies - she knows that her ex-girlfriend Kate has insect-controlling powers and she doesn't want her to know about her phobia. I'd like to continue this IC - please have him call her out on it!"

What if it's more personal?

Say that you're really keen on interacting with a character but they never seem to respond to you, or they do but it takes a few days when they're tagging back and forth with other people, or your threads seem to peter out after a few tags. Again, you need three Yeses:

1. Can I point to the specific behaviours which are making me think or feel this way?
2. Is it impossible for me to avoid interacting with this character or player?
3. If nothing changes, will I feel like I have no choice but to drop one or more of my own characters?

'You never tag Bob with Kate, and I feel hurt' isn't jerky, but it is guilt-tripping, and it's doing nothing to identify the root cause. In many situations, you'll find you're not just giving feedback - you're asking for it, too. Again, three elements:

• Specific: "I notice that you often don't tag back when I tag Kate with Bob, and when you do, it's a few days after tagging everyone else's characters."
• Impact: "It's making me feel discouraged and unsure about whether I should continue to try."
• Discussion: "I'd really like Bob and Kate to develop more of a relationship, is there anything we or I can do?"

Note that all of the below are equally legitimate and courteous responses, even if you don't want to hear them:

"I'm sorry - I didn't want to make you feel that way! Kate's feelings about Bob are really complicated, so it can take time for me to put a response together."

"To be honest, I don't really like Bob as a character, and I'm not interested in developing CR with him. It's got nothing to do with the way you play him. I should have told you by now and I apologise for that."

"Your tags can be difficult to reply to because there's not much to work with. Often he just says 'Hi' or comments on the weather - Kate is very introverted, and I can never think of a way to keep the conversation going. Could you try tagging with more open questions, or longer comments?"

Again, asking a (polite) direct question and getting a (polite) direct answer can feel uncomfortable, but it's the best way to avoid ambiguity and hurt feelings in the longer term.